Liar, Liar Pants on Fire | Happy Birthday!

Scene: Mother is seated on the couch in the living room reading a book. Father and Son are downstairs on the computer. Mother can hear their conversation.

Son: Dad, how old are you going to be tomorrow?

Father: I'll be 34.

Mother hears this and goes into the kitchen, pulling the fire extinguisher from underneath the cabinet. She hurries downstairs and runs into the office.

Father: What are you doing?

Mother: Here, I thought you might need this.

Father: [taking the extinguisher] Why?

Mother: To put out your pant legs.

[Father looks confused]

Father: What are you talking about?

Mother: I figured your pants were going to combust over that whopper you just told our son about your age.

[Father, still slow on the uptake, continues to look confused]

Mother: Didn't you just tell our son you're turning 34?

Father: [laughing because he's finally caught on] Actually, I told him I'm going to be 24.

Mother: That's even worse! I got here just in time.

Happy Birthday, honey. I love you!

Military Life is NOT a Video Game

It's the Soldier, not the reporter who has given us the 

Freedom of the Press. 

It's the Soldier, not the poet, who has given us the 

Freedom of Speech. 

It's the Soldier, not the politicians who ensures our right to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. 

It's the Soldier who salutes the flag, who serves beneath the flag, and whose coffin is draped by the flag.

It seemed disrespectful for me to post this on Veteran's Day because I'm about to violate one of the rules of parenting. I'm going to get on my high horse and judge.

Last week, Phil went into Tyler's class to talk about being in the military. He went in uniform, which because of what he does, is more Marine Corps than Navy. The kids had lots of questions, the first of which was "have you ever killed anyone?*"

I understand. My dad used to get the same question from my classmates when he'd come for Career Day to talk about being in the Secret Service. There's a fascination with military, police etc.; especially for boys. But the questions that came after were the ones that really disappointed me. They wanted to know how he made it through war (he was deployed during Operation Enduring Freedom), what types of weapons and rounds he uses, if he'd ever set off a grenade and if he uses Nova Gas.

Tyler's teacher was sitting next to me and whispered, "where are they coming up with this stuff?!" Just as I replied, "video games," two of the kids said something about Call of Duty 3 and Halo. Parents, your fourth graders should not be playing that game (or any first person shooter). They should not have the idea that being in the military is akin to running blindly through the streets, lobbing bombs and using a gas that doesn't exist.

The teacher and I had to steer the conversation so that Phil could give them real information about the role of the military and what the experience has been like for him. I piped up and told Phil to address real life versus video games and couldn't help but add that Call of Duty isn't for kids.

I'm glad Phil went in to talk to the class. Hopefully, some of those kids will remember what Phil talked about, especially how being in the military has helped him with his civilian job and that he joined as a way to honor his grandfather, who was in the 101st Airborne. 

Video games are not a teaching tool. Video games rated M (meaning 'mature') are not appropriate for 9 and 10 year olds. Period. You letting your young child play games like that means they see my husband in uniform and equate him with a killing machine.

They don't see the training, education and schooling. They don't see that Phil is in charge of planning yearly budgets for his entire unit. They don't see the respect he and his fellow navy members give one another. They have no idea that being in the military is a JOB. And that? Is just plain sad.

*When Phil responded that no, he hasn't killed anyone, the boy asked, "why not?"

Happy Birthday to My Husband

If you don't watch The Walking Dead this won't be funny. Even if you do watch, it still might not be funny.

photo © 2009 Omer Wazir | more info (via: Wylio)

Today is Phil's birthday. I'm really glad I married such a handy guy. He put in the wood floors in our kitchen and gave me recessed lights in the living room for my birthday. He can reach all the stuff on the high shelves, doesn't mind doing catch and release duty with spiders and I've never had to man the grill. 

But the real reason I'm glad I've kept him around? Zombies. We just watched the first season of The Walking Dead. After almost 12 1/2 years of marriage it took a TV show for me to find out my husband is an expert at the undead!

Each night of the show Phil would say, "That's totally unrealistic! Those people are so stupid!" and tell me what he'd do differently. And you know what? He's right. Those people ARE stupid. Phil's plan for the zombie apocalypse is so much better than what they've been doing on the show.

I know it's only season one, but with the mistakes the survivors have made so far, it's surprising they're still alive. Have they not driven past a single RV lot? Why aren't they sharpening sticks to make more bow and arrows? And what's with the tiny gas cans?

I can't share all the details of Phil's plan with you (gotta conserve resources, right?), but let's just say if you're not married to someone with military base access who knows how to drive a Humvee, fire a 50 Cal, and drive a LARK; you're zombie food. 

So, happy birthday babe. I'm so glad to be married to you. I feel better knowing we'll be just fine when the zombies start taking over. Just think, we could be the next Adam and Eve!

Twelve

April 26, 1992

Phil-

Hi, hon. How are you? I'm fine. I miss you though. Tomorrow is our anniversary and I really wish we could spend it together, I don't think I ever fully realized what a major part of my life you are until I went away to school. I've met so many new people and I'm having a great time, but there's always a part of me that wishes you could be here with me all the time. 

There's always a part of me that really aches to see you. I can't wait until summer when we can spend every possible moment together. I hope the coming months are good ones for us. I'm sure they will be. I feel it in my heart. I love you very much. I miss you more and more each day.

Melanie

My heart was right. It's been good.

I love you.

Fun with Email: The Naughty Edition

From: PSheridan

To: MSheridan

Subject: What's up with that?!

Date: May 18, 2010

So I heard on the radio this morning that Jada Pickett Smith likes to send some nice photos to her husband Will every now and then. How come you never do that for me?

From: MSheridan

To: PSheridan

Subject: Re: What's up with that?!

Date: May 18, 2010

You're at an office, not your personal trailer on a movie set. And why don't you do the same for ME?

From: PSheridan

To: MSheridan

Subject: Re: Re: What's up with that?!

Date: May 18, 2010

Please. You don't want me to send you pics. And my cubicle is super private thank you very much. How else do you think I can do jigsaw puzzles at work :)

From: MSheridan

To: PSheridan

Subject: Re: Re: Re: What's up with that?!

Date: May 18, 2010

I wouldn't ask if I didn't want one.

I left the house to run errands right after I sent that. I did not think he'd take me up on it! Needless to say when I got home and opened my email again I was floored. And then I laughed my ass off. I'll have to repay the favor soon I'm sure. Hopefully Casey is open to working her Photoshop magic again.

This is probably one of the sweetest things Phil has ever done. Not because I wanted a photo of my husband's junk. Man parts aren't remotely sexy. It's sweet because I know it had to be a little weird and awkward for him to do but he did it anyway to make me smile. I appreciate that. 

We try hard to have fun and keep each other on our toes. That's important in a relationship; to never stop trying. While a somewhat blurry cell phone shot of my husband's goods doesn't get my juices flowing, a man who can still make me giggle after almost 12 years of marriage? That's sexy. 

Wordless Wednesday: It's NOT What It Looks Like

For Phil: Who's A Really Great Dad

My husband is the "fun one" in the family. He can be silly with Tyler, wrestle with him on the floor, and is generally more open to playing than I am. Last night, Tyler asked if they could go out and play Nerf tag. 

Despite still being tired from vacation and spending his day in meetings at work and trying to make a dent in an overflowing Inbox, he said "absolutely" with no hesitation.

I don't tell him often enough how much I appreciate him as a father. 

Thank you honey for being so willing to put on goofy glasses and wear a target on your chest in front of the neighbors! 

xoxo

Wordless Wednesday: One of These Days My Poor Husband Will Have His Very Own Closet

For more Wordless Wednesday visit: 5 Minutes for Mom, Mom Dot, What's That Smell

Wordless Wednesday: A New Take on Tetherball- BootyBall

For more Wordless Wednesday visit 5 Minutes for Mom, Mom Dot, What's That Smell

Random Thought: Bar Fight

Is it just me, or would anyone else get slightly turned on watching your husband get in a fight?
Not that I'm condoning violence or anything. But all that physical, brawny male-ness? Would light me up, just a little.

Delicious photo from here.

A Wedding Story

He came home on leave and she asked, "So, um, do you still want to marry me?" and he said, "Hell yes! " and they exchanged vows one week later in a civil ceremony. There were no flowers, no rings, no photographers. The wedding colors were denim and denim.
 

After the ceremony they went home to their apartment by the beach, he carried her over the threshold and they ate macaroni and cheese. She went to work, he got ready to head back to his ship the next day.

They kept their marriage secret from all but a few close friends and family intending to "get engaged" when they saved up for the rings and then "get married" six months later because who needs a long engagement and they had been together since they were 17 (except for the time he was stationed in Italy) and they got married two days after his sister and didn't want to steal her thunder.

Except there was a flaw in their plan. If they "married" so soon after his sister, his out of town relatives would not be able to fly out to California again so soon, so they "got engaged" but changed their plans and set a date one year in the future on the day of their original anniversary in high school.

She put a deposit on a place and she and her mother shopped for dresses and she would take off her wedding band when any of the family were around and they continued to live happily together at their apartment by the beach.
 

Except their was another flaw in their plan. After almost eight months, her father, who worked in law enforcement, started to get suspicious so he wrote to the county recorder's office and requested a copy of their marriage license which he produced one day with a "do you have something you want to tell us?"
 

And she fessed up and explained the reasons why they didn't tell and stopped looking for dresses and canceled the place and was secretly a little relieved because the "wedding" was getting bigger than she wanted it to anyway.



Her mother threw them a party and a few close friends and family ate, drank and got merry to celebrate the couple's soon to be one year anniversary and she thought, "we'll just renew our vows on our ten year anniversary," and they continued to live happily in their apartment by the beach.
 


Fast forward 10 years, two more apartments, at least five jobs, several cars, a post 9/11 activation, one baby, typical marriage ups and downs, a house purchased, a kitchen remodeled and job lost and that's where you will find them today.

And she would like him to know how very lucky she is and how much she loves him and how thankful she is for the life they have built together and she would marry him in secret all over again but this time in a dress and they continue to live happily together in their house by near pretty close to the beach.

Happy Anniversary Honey! 

(That was the really really condensed version)

One Word. Three Letters. Starts with 'S'

The night my new design was installed there were technical difficulties that had me in a panic. So much so that I "outed" my blog to Drama Dad asking for his help. He was no use but thankfully the problem turned out to be a pretty simple issue with Firefox versus Internet Explorer.

Anyway, now that hubby knows I'm online he's started sending me things to blog about. He sent me an email with a link from a site for brides to be, AisleDash.com, and naturally it's about sex. The article is about a couple who had sex for 101 days straight and then wrote a book, Just Do It (photo from Amazon).

Hubby's point, of course, being we should start our own attempt to break their streak and write Doin' It More Than They Are.

At first I laughed. Hee hee, he's so funny. But then I got a little hurt. I like sex. We have sex. Not every day. But I'm sure we're no different than most couples (Right? Please tell me I'm right!). If I had to come up with an actual number, I don't think I could.

It fluctuates. And the determining factors are as varied as my shoe collection. I'm tired. He's tired. He's on the computer. I'm on the computer. It's 10:30 and Drama Kid is still awake. No condoms. (Yep, the responsibility is on him, literally. I'm done with hormones. If they perfect the Male Pill he's welcome to it). Etc. Etc.

I'll admit the intimacy, or more aptly the frequency, isn't there the way it was before Drama Kid. And I do feel badly. But I won't shoulder all the responsibility. In fact, I'm taking credit for bringing some of the spark back.

When I had my job, it beat me up, spit me out and left me for dead. I was not me anymore. I was angry, stressed, exhausted, snappish and just no fun to be around (I have since apologized to Drama Dad for being such a bi*ch).

I was out of the house shortly after 8:00am after going through Morning Hell with Drama Kid and getting him fed, lunch made and dropped off at school, ate lunch at my desk most days and was still there when the boss left at 6:00. Sex was usually the thing after the last thing on my mind. And we suffered as a couple. The "connect" was definitely missing.

But now that I'm at home, things have definitely perked up. I won't go into detail (you're welcome) but there have been times we've left Drama Kid at after school care a little longer than usual.

I buy the lacy nighties.

I buy the candles.

I bought the Vanilla Massage Oil.

It was my idea to go to one of THOSE stores and buy one of THOSE things.

I suggested we get a pool table.

I'm not saying I need rose petals and candlelight every night, but grabbing my tush or squeezing the girls is not foreplay. It was funny the first time. The 500th? Move along, nothing to see here.

My husband tells me I'm beautiful. He opens doors for me. He says "I love you." We go out when we have a free sitter. He does all the right things (thanks Art of Manliness!).

I guess my point is there's no one to blame. And while I agree with sexpert Ian Kerner in that you have to have sex to want sex, we're not 23 anymore. We need more sleep. We have a kid. Things ache that didn't used to.

I'm also one of those people who gets easily distracted and overwhelmed by piles of laundry, dirty dishes and Lego pieces everywhere. Kerner also says that "turning her on is about helping her turn it all off." [You heard him honey. The Swiffer's over there.]

I would like us to be together more often. And I know Drama Dad does too. But after the cleaning, folding, schlepping and mommy-ing (oh all right, and blogging) there's not always much left in me at the end of the day for wife-ing.

But I know how important intimacy is in a marriage so I'll take hubby's email as a not so subtle sign we need more together time.

Is this situation being played out in your bedroom too? How have you dealt with it?

*Tomorrow is the last day to enter my contest.

Q & A: My Growing Up Years Part Three

Now for Steph's question:

"Was your family upset when you married your husband?"

Yes and no. There's lot's of backstory so bear with me.

(Homecoming Oct. 1990)

DH and I met in high school. (Which is a story in itself because he was SO not my type!) He was my first serious boyfriend. At 17, I think parents are going to be concerned about their daughter getting so serious so fast about anyone, regardless of color.

So, we started dating the summer between junior and senior year and were inseparable until I left for college. Even then we visited as often as we could.

I think my dad hoped that when I went away and was exposed to a much bigger world than my hometown, I would outgrow my "crush" and meet a nice young black man, preferably a Kappa, and live happily ever after.

He practically begged me to join a sorority so I went to a meeting but that lifestyle just wasn't for me.

DH and I did break up for several years when he was stationed in Italy right out of boot camp. We dated other people, but none seriously. When DH returned from overseas, we pretty much fell right back into our relationship.

My father saw in DH an unmotivated, pothead surfer (true, except for the unmotivated part) who had no real ambition. DH didn't finish college. He joined the military instead. My dad's attitude was "only people who have to join the military join the military."

I, on the other hand, was proud that DH recognized that he was on a path to nowhere and took steps necessary to make something better of himself.

My mom has never had any real problems with DH other than how serious we were at 17. Her long time boyfriend is white, so she had no room to complain, though my father blamed her for "putting ideas in my head."

One time, my dad set me up with one of his co-workers' son (this was pre-DH). Whom I'd never met. To go to prom. I was furious! But, I went along to make Dad happy and to get a new dress and shoes. I invited R over so at least we could lay eyes on one another before the dance.

That fool showed up at my house with no money, kept his ball cap on the whole time he was inside, didn't stand up to greet my mom when she came home and didn't offer to help her bring in the groceries! I never saw him again.

Anyway, DH and I resumed our relationship, he moved into my apartment and we lived together for 2 years before eloping getting married in 1998.

It's bothered DH that my dad didn't approve of us being together. I told him not to worry about pleasing my dad, that's not what he wants to see. Just continue to be a good person and he'll either come around or he won't.

It was a long time before Dad finally said he couldn't be upset with me for the choice I made as it was his and my mother's choice to move us away from the city, into an almost all white (at the time) neighborhood therefore severely limiting my options. That was a Halellujah! moment for me.

(Prom, May 1991)

And, as my father has watched my husband (literally) grow from a boy into a man, husband and father, he's come around. Dad said to my mom (which she relayed to me):

"Kids and animals are the best way to know if someone is a good person, and that little boy (DS) adores his father."

After the phone call I immediately ran to DH and said, "You're in! My Dad likes you now!" and there was much rejoicing.

Dad calls hubby son, which is HUGE. And when Daddy (yep, you heard me) took me to lunch a few weeks ago, he asked whether I was trying to talk DH into finishing college. I said no, I've tried but hubby's logic is that of all our friends who went to college, he's the one with best job and no student loans.

After a minute Dad says, "well, he's got a point, don't bitch at him about it," which is also HUGE because my dad is the poster boy for "everyone should go away to college to make something of themselves."

It's all good now. And I don't blame my dad. He has a right to his feelings. And they never really gave me any grief about it or made DH feel unwelcome or uncomfortable, which I appreciate.

And I wonder if I had backed down and broken up with DH, would they have respected me? After all, I learned from them how important it is to be your own person, to follow your heart and go for what you want.

I'm Going on a Date! *UPDATE*

With my hubby of course. He took today and tomorrow off so he can have a 5-day weekend! We're headed out shortly to see the new Indiana Jones, which I will definitely come back and tell you about.

Then, we're going to Ikea (we live about 40 minutes from it so getting there is an event in itself!) then to lunch and a quick stop on the military base.

I also have my first book club meeting tonight. We're discussing Naked by David Sedaris. I hope these ladies are nice and fun, not bookish and boring!

Later!

Update

So, I can't give my opinion of the movie without spoiling it, so I will quote my husband:

"They deviated from the formula. They didn't need to, it's already a successful franchise. All they need is a religious artifact and Nazis."