Tyler hurt my feelings Tuesday night. It was inadvertent, but the comment has stayed with me. I was out of sorts and cranky all day yesterday and I think part of it was the residual sting (mostly it was perimenopause). We were watching TV together (I got him into Future Food and Cake Boss) and Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watchers commercial came on.

When the special promotion was announced (lose all the weight you want for $1, I think), Tyler turns to me and says, "you should do that, Mom."

"You think I need to lose weight?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So you can look hot."

Whoa.

I know he wasn't being mean. I don't think he really knows what it means to look hot. But it stung, nonetheless. He can't possibly know about all my issues and hangups. At least I hope not.

One of the reasons I tell myself it's probably a good thing I don't have a little girl is because there's almost no way I wouldn't pass on all my body issues to her. My weight is a pretty big one. The Braces Diet is still working but the pants I wore at National Mom's Nite Out are a little snug. And I'm freaking out.

Losing weight has been a strange trip. A few weeks ago my neighbor said to me that I was starting to get a little puffy but now I'm looking really good. Um, thanks? I'm happy with my new size; the single digit in my pants, but I still feel I have a long way to go until I look like the "after" image I have of myself in my head.

I have this sick need to compare myself with other people. Usually it's in a crowded place like an amusement park or the mall. Someone will walk by and I wonder if my butt jiggles the way hers does or if I the shirt I'm wearing gives me back fat too. It's an awful thing to do. I fully admit that. I'm not judging, only comparing. I feel yucky doing it but can't seem to stop.

I wish I had a mirror that lets me see myself the way other people see me. So many people tell me now that I look great. I don't mind hearing it. Part of me likes the compliment. The other parts of me feel guilty for liking the compliments on something superficial and still another part of me feels guilty because I haven't had to work at losing the weight and I don't deserve the praise. Screwed up, much?

When I was leaving one of the media events at the Social Media Moms event at Disney this past February, I ran into Laura. I'd been keeping an eye out for her because I hadn't seen her since my first blogging trip to Disneyworld back in 2008. We were standing right next to each other. I said, "hello, nice to see you, I was wondering when I'd run into you!" and I could tell she had no idea who this person acting so familiar with her was. I had to take off my hat and say, "it's me! Melanie!" She honestly didn't recognize me and said my face was totally different than the last time she saw me.

At Blissdom, I know I totally hurt Casey's feelings. When we ran into each other she told me I look great and I responded with something like, "did I not look good before?" or something equally bitchy and uncalled for. Casey looked appropriately taken aback and I felt like a total shit. I'm so sorry, friend. I really didn't mean for it to come out that way. It wasn't you, it was me. Truly.

I'm a walking contradiction. I have a good self image. I know I'm a good person, a good mom, wife, daughter and friend. I'm loyal. I'm giving, sometimes to a fault. But my self image and self esteem are two different beasts. I like the person I am, I just don't always love the packaging. 

Posting pictures of myself here in my bathing suits (and naked) was so outside my comfort zone. I did it to force the issue with myself. I hoped the photos would give me the real picture. I would be able to look at them and say, "see? it's not so bad!" Yeah. That hasn't happened yet.

So when Tyler said I should join Weight Watchers I wanted to cry. I honestly don't think I look that different or that I've lost that much weight. But, to literally be unrecognizable to someone I know, the changes have to be really profound. I'm terrified I'm going to put the weight I've lost back on. It's shallow and superficial, but it's true. 

I feel horrible making an issue of it because I know some people really struggle with their weight. Someone else will look at me and wonder what I have to complain about. That makes feel awful. Logically, I know I should get over myself. But I'm nothing if not emotional. I told Tyler that people can be hot without losing weight. If only I could internalize that statement and make myself believe it.

Strained Wallets and Waistlines

I read an article in the June/July issue of Cookie magazine. The author, Sally Schultheiss, and her husband were fighting about food. Specifically, she wanted their family to be all natural, all organic all the time.

He saw nothing wrong with the occasional bowl of Cocoa Puffs. He wants Duncan Hines, she wants made from scratch with Valrhona chocolate ganache. He wants American cheese slices, she wants blocks of goat's milk Camembert. Reading the article, my thoughts kept straying to "how can they afford all that organic food?!"

I don't think it's speculation, conjecture or marketing hype that our society is getting fatter. Our weight and our health is a pressing issue, particulary for our children. Personally, I would love to include more organics into our diet but honestly, I just can't afford it.

Which makes me wonder, when is the cost of food and the strain groceries can create on the family budget going to be touted just as heavily as a reason behind American's expanding waistlines as fast food?

The cost of living is going up. Housing, utilities, gas, health care and everything else associated with running a household is rising. And I would argue that one of the things most families find it easiest to cut back on is their grocery bill.

But, on our most recent trip to the grocery I noticed something. The boxed, pre-packaged, preserved, unnaturally colored unhealthy stuff? Some of which I have in my pantry right now? The prices haven't really gone up that much since the first time we were buying it as broke newlyweds.

Consider this: on our last major grocery run (6/14) I bought three boxed "Helpers" for .90 each and I used an in store coupon for .75 off three. The three packages of ground beef were $1.69, $1.71 and $1.73. That's three meals (more if there are leftovers, not including sides) for $7.08.

If a family is on a budget (and who isn't?!) the financial benefits to shopping in the center aisles, rather than the perimeter as the health experts advise, is pretty clear. At least to me.

But all that stuff in the center of the store is generally the unhealthiest. Yesterday at Henry's, I saw a package of organic lunch meat for $6.79. I'm sorry but that's just insane.

However, I don't know anyone who, could they afford it, would say "nah, organics are great and all but I think I'll stick to the high sodium stuff."

Now, I realize no one is holding a gun to my head. We don't have to buy pre-packaged. The same goes for fast food. No one made me go to El Pollo Loco for lunch (BRC burrito and quesadilla for $1.28 each).

And I know there are places I can shop where the prices are reasonable and the food is healthy and high quality (Trader Joe's and Henry's are my two faves). But I wonder if the same is true in other cities?

While I believe everyone needs to make informed choices, read labels, have a balanced diet and excercise, I don't believe poor impulse control and fast food are the sole reasons people have ballooned.

I don't have any answers and I'm not really sure what the solution is. What's happening in your family? Are groceries a big strain on your budget? Have you had to compromise on the things you buy?