Tyler hurt my feelings Tuesday night. It was inadvertent, but the comment has stayed with me. I was out of sorts and cranky all day yesterday and I think part of it was the residual sting (mostly it was perimenopause). We were watching TV together (I got him into Future Food and Cake Boss) and Jennifer Hudson's Weight Watchers commercial came on.

When the special promotion was announced (lose all the weight you want for $1, I think), Tyler turns to me and says, "you should do that, Mom."

"You think I need to lose weight?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"So you can look hot."

Whoa.

I know he wasn't being mean. I don't think he really knows what it means to look hot. But it stung, nonetheless. He can't possibly know about all my issues and hangups. At least I hope not.

One of the reasons I tell myself it's probably a good thing I don't have a little girl is because there's almost no way I wouldn't pass on all my body issues to her. My weight is a pretty big one. The Braces Diet is still working but the pants I wore at National Mom's Nite Out are a little snug. And I'm freaking out.

Losing weight has been a strange trip. A few weeks ago my neighbor said to me that I was starting to get a little puffy but now I'm looking really good. Um, thanks? I'm happy with my new size; the single digit in my pants, but I still feel I have a long way to go until I look like the "after" image I have of myself in my head.

I have this sick need to compare myself with other people. Usually it's in a crowded place like an amusement park or the mall. Someone will walk by and I wonder if my butt jiggles the way hers does or if I the shirt I'm wearing gives me back fat too. It's an awful thing to do. I fully admit that. I'm not judging, only comparing. I feel yucky doing it but can't seem to stop.

I wish I had a mirror that lets me see myself the way other people see me. So many people tell me now that I look great. I don't mind hearing it. Part of me likes the compliment. The other parts of me feel guilty for liking the compliments on something superficial and still another part of me feels guilty because I haven't had to work at losing the weight and I don't deserve the praise. Screwed up, much?

When I was leaving one of the media events at the Social Media Moms event at Disney this past February, I ran into Laura. I'd been keeping an eye out for her because I hadn't seen her since my first blogging trip to Disneyworld back in 2008. We were standing right next to each other. I said, "hello, nice to see you, I was wondering when I'd run into you!" and I could tell she had no idea who this person acting so familiar with her was. I had to take off my hat and say, "it's me! Melanie!" She honestly didn't recognize me and said my face was totally different than the last time she saw me.

At Blissdom, I know I totally hurt Casey's feelings. When we ran into each other she told me I look great and I responded with something like, "did I not look good before?" or something equally bitchy and uncalled for. Casey looked appropriately taken aback and I felt like a total shit. I'm so sorry, friend. I really didn't mean for it to come out that way. It wasn't you, it was me. Truly.

I'm a walking contradiction. I have a good self image. I know I'm a good person, a good mom, wife, daughter and friend. I'm loyal. I'm giving, sometimes to a fault. But my self image and self esteem are two different beasts. I like the person I am, I just don't always love the packaging. 

Posting pictures of myself here in my bathing suits (and naked) was so outside my comfort zone. I did it to force the issue with myself. I hoped the photos would give me the real picture. I would be able to look at them and say, "see? it's not so bad!" Yeah. That hasn't happened yet.

So when Tyler said I should join Weight Watchers I wanted to cry. I honestly don't think I look that different or that I've lost that much weight. But, to literally be unrecognizable to someone I know, the changes have to be really profound. I'm terrified I'm going to put the weight I've lost back on. It's shallow and superficial, but it's true. 

I feel horrible making an issue of it because I know some people really struggle with their weight. Someone else will look at me and wonder what I have to complain about. That makes feel awful. Logically, I know I should get over myself. But I'm nothing if not emotional. I told Tyler that people can be hot without losing weight. If only I could internalize that statement and make myself believe it.

Actually, These Pants DON'T Make My Butt Look Big

I've been blaming the baby weight I'm carrying on my love of starches, carbs, chocolate and food in general. I haven't tried to diet but lately have tried to be more conscious of what I'm eating, when I eat it and why. I have lost some weight, which I've been attributing to the training for the walk but mostly on these stinking braces. Some of my pants are loose and it seems my cheekbones have decided to come out of hiding.

I haven't stepped on a scale so I couldn't translate my pants not staying up into actual pounds lost. Last week I broke out the Wii Fit for the first time in ages to try the new game I bought. While my Wii Fit age had jumped to 40, my BMI was down and the animated board told me I've lost almost 14 pounds! I couldn't believe it.

Last Tuesday I decided it was time to try on jeans for a pair that fit better (which is usually a nightmare because there's so much junk in my trunk). I had a coupon from BlogHer for a free pair of Gap jeans that I've been saving. I pulled my usual size off the rack and brought a few different styles into the dressing room. And they were too big!

The salesperson came to check on me and I asked for the next size down, which I haven't had to do since I was in my 20's. I haven't looked like this in a pair of jeans since college. I can honestly say, for the first time in a long time, that I don't think my butt looks big! I don't care if it is vanity sizing, wearing a size 6 again is making me pretty happy today.
(I apologize for both the crappy photo and the fact that I didn't clean the mirror first)

UPDATE: My mom arrived at our house this afternoon for the 3 Day and the first thing she said when I got out of the car was, "Wow! You did get skinny! I can't remember the last time you were that size!" Umm, thanks?

*None of the companies or brands mentioned asked me to do so, I only included them as a means to tell the story.

Bathing Suits, What I Ate and a Secret

School is out in 5 days and I know I'll be spending lots of time at our pool (free entertainment!) I thought I should get one more suit so I'm not always washing the one already have. So, I went bathing suit shopping Tuesday.

It was awful. Horrible. Demoralizing. I tried on 8 suits at Marshall's and hated them all. If I could wear this I'd have no problems:
But alas, this body ain't a bikini body. My quest for something like this continues:


I did not, however, come home empty handed:


Ahhhh! Isn't it fabulous? I love, love, love it. Only $20! I've been looking for a purple jewelry box for the longest time. Shhh, don't tell my husband. It's in the trunk of my car for now.

And here's what I ate Tuesday and yesterday:

Tuesday
4 grapes
Half a cantaloupe
My smoothie
1 bottled water with Crystal Light To Go fruit punch flavor
8 Sprees
Chicken nuggets
French fries
Baked beans
12-15 gummi bears (I lost count, Weeds is such a great show!)

Wednesday
Half a cantaloupe
Half a multi grain bagel, toasted with peanut butter
1 mug Chai tea latte
2 bowls of homemade chili over spaghetti, sprinkle of cheddar and 4 crackers
1 mug Tazo Apple tea
1/4 cup chocolate caramel trail mix

Accountability

I have heard that keeping a food journal helps with weight loss as it holds us accountable for every bite we take. I've never done it before, but if I'm going to be serious about losing the weight and getting healthier, I think I need to pull out the big guns.

I've never kept a food journal. I'm not sure how good I'll be at remembering to write down every single thing I eat, but hopefully it will become a habit.

I got this super cute notebook from the $1 bin at Michael's, so now I guess I just need the courage to post about it here.


So, without further ado, here's what I ate yesterday:
Bowl of cereal- half regular granola, half French Vanilla Almond granola in 2% milk
1 banana
2 slices of cinnamon toast on Milton's multi grain
1 mug of Chai Tea latte
1 Vitamin Water
Spaghetti and meatballs- turkey meatballs from Trader Joe's on wheat pasta
Corn
1 dinner roll
1/4 - 1/2 cup of chocolate caramel trail mix from Henry's

Since feeling hungry is my major road block (and my insane sweet tooth) , I bought a few bars I can keep in my car and purse.


If these help, I will definitely stock up on the Odwalla's the next time they are 10 for $10. And yes, I bought chocolate ones. Baby steps people, baby steps.

Smooth-ie Operator

If you've been here before, you know I hate my body. And you know one of the items on my To Do If I'm Going to Have Another Baby list is lose weight. At least 10 pounds. If you haven't been here before, Welcome! And you can catch up here and here.

If I had the money I'd go to LA Weightloss or maybe Weight Watchers. But I don't so I'm still fat and have no one to blame but me.

Well, last week, I finally decided to take action with my weight instead of whining and then stuffing my face. Since last Monday, I've been making smoothies in the morning as my brunch, then really cracking down on snacking (hey, that rhymes!) during the day.

I'm trying to copy the new Breakfast Meals at Jamba Juice. Theirs are super thick and need to be eaten with a spoon. So far I haven't been able to match their consistency but mine are still tasty.

My hope was that the smoothie would keep me full all day and I would only need something small to keep me until an early dinner. I wasn't smart enough to weigh or measure myself before starting (duh!) but it's probably a good thing because Memorial Day weekend was a complete bust. Hubby made ribs and potatoes with bacon and cheese... SO good!

Anyway, this past Sunday, I had hubby break out the measuring tape and I stepped on the scale for the first time in ages:
Weight: 147
Waist: 30"
Hips: 37"

Ugh! I can say this isn't the heaviest I've ever been but that doesn't make me feel any better. I went to Jamba yesterday and got one of their 16 ounce meals instead of making my own since I happened to be in the area. I asked about the consistency problem and their advice was to pulse, not blend so I tried it today.

In my smoothies are bananas, strawberries*, peanut butter, soy milk, yogurt (but not today because DS ate the last container yesterday), flax seed oil (because I don't eat seafood), my daily multi vitamin and granola.

I have a blender, but use my Magic Bullet because it's faster and the cleanup is easier, but might switch to the blender for a true pulse setting.

I started out great, thinking I had all the liquid to solids ratios correct. It was looking thick and spoon worthy until I added some fresh strawberries that weren't going to make it through the weekend.


Then I figured "what the heck" and threw in another banana and some blueberries that were starting to look like rabbit poop (I won't eat blueberries unless they are blended).

I use the biggest plastic mug we have, which when filled to the brim holds just shy of 24 ounces. I've done better this week, especially with the snacking, but still have a ways to go.


I'll weigh in on Sunday to see if there has been any change. If not, I'll have to come up with Plan B because dammit I'm hungry!

Anyone else on a weight loss journey? What's worked for you? Or better, what hasn't?

*Note: I cut up strawberries and bananas that are starting to turn and freeze them so they don't go to waste. If I don't have any left I'll use fresh fruit and the "backup" bag of mixed frozen tropical fruit from Costco. I also don't measure anything, sorry! No kickbacks from any of the companies shown, though if the folks at Jamba are lurking I'm more than happy to take the 21 Day Breakfast Challenge! ;^)