New Year, New Blog (I Hope)

*I couldn't stop tweaking this post and trying to get it to make sense so I missed the opportunity to submit for The Queen of Spain's BlogHer giveaway and I'm kicking myself but I'm posting anyway because it was hard to write and shows where my head is right now *
I can't believe the holidays are over. Did they fly by or is it just me? I enjoyed my time off and it's hard to adjust to being back online. I will admit it was nice not feeling pressure to come up with something, anything, to write about every day.

I did some soul searching over the holidays. I thought about the direction I want this blog to go and at times that lead me to adding a review page and others towards shutting the whole thing down which is where I am right now (but only a little). But I missed you guys and the relationships I've made and couldn't just walk away.

One thing I did come to realize, is that if I'm going to continue, I need help. Asking for help isn't something I do well. Just typing that out was hard! I tend to go it alone, reading and researching and often end up frustrated when things don't work out the way I hoped.

I need to step out of my comfort zone and make more connections within the blogging community. I need to stop being afraid to ask questions of the "pros". I need to continue doing my research but try to narrow the focus instead clicking all over the web. I need to find a mentor. I need to think more positively about this space and get rid of the "little fish" attitude I have and toot my own horn once in awhile. Basically, I need to go to BlogHer.

The more I read about this year's conference, the more I'm convinced it's exactly what I need. I've heard so many good things about what going to the conference has done for some bloggers and how helpful the BlogHer team is. I made a Blog To Do list and now have so many things I want to do with this space I'm not sure where to begin:

• Have the blog re-designed
• Learn more HTML
• Learn Photoshop
• Better branding

The list is actually pages long and it's overwhelming and possibly even holding me back because I have yet to cross off anything major. I'm frustrated because there's no forward progress. In my mind, attending the conference has become some sort of lifeline. I may be elevating this year's conference to mythical hobbit-like proportions (sorry, that was lame!) but the fact that it's in my home town of Chicago and that there are so many topics on the agenda, like the session on finding balance, that appeal to me makes me believe I really, really need to be there this year.

There are so many reasons I want to go: I want to network and meet other bloggers. I want to ask questions. I want to learn what I can and should be doing better. I'd love to meet the authors of some of my favorite blogs (like my girl-crush Mr. Lady). It would be great to see Casey again. I want to eat true deep dish pizza and walk The Miracle Mile. I'm not sure how I'll get there, or if I even will because of the financials, but I'm determined to try. Am I crazy for wanting to go so badly? Is anyone else totally obsessed?

Erin at The Queen of Spain is giving away a registration package to BlogHer and when I read that I was so excited and took it as a sign that I should submit a post. Erin asked for our reasons for wanting to go to BlogHer and what we'll do to support other women in the coming year. I've been composing this post in my head for days but since my main reason for wanting to go has almost no logic to it I changed my mind.

But then I changed it back again. No matter how much I feel the need to be at BlogHer, I can't make it there on my own. This getting laid off thing has been an adjustment for us. We're doing fine in that we're able to pay the mortgage, bills etc., but any "extras", especially something as big as this just isn't in the financial picture. Plus, it's hard for me to convince hubby to spend money on my "hobby." So, I'm back to asking for help, and asking for money no less which even harder for me than asking for help.

As for how I'm planning on paying it forward, I wasn't going to say anything this early but I think my way of giving back and supporting women is a pretty good one and is something I feel very passionate about. I signed up to do my first 3-day breast cancer walk! I'm excited, nervous and scared but after all the years cheering on the sidelines and volunteering this past November and it being such an amazing experience, I'm ready to see what those three days are like from streets.

*This is as far as I'd written when the deadline hit. I'm so mad at myself I could spit, whatever that means. I haven't given up on going to BlogHer, I will just have to work smarter not harder at coming up with a plan*